Arguing is an inevitable part of human relationships. There are always contradictions in them, due to different tastes, viewpoints, or debatable decisions when it does not satisfy both parties. And in marital relations, where the most intense—perhaps the most problematic of all—cohabitation is developed, disagreements often arise because one of the members rejects the proposal, idea, belief, request, or request. Suggestion from the other in any matter. However, learning to exercise the right to refuse requests that contradict your desires, or to accept such disagreement without resentment, strengthens the relationship (and any other kind) and avoids useless justifications and prolongation of conflict.
Specifically, a symptom of a couple’s power is when both members feel comfortable exercising their right to refuse any request made by the other. As is known, there are always individual differences between people in terms of tastes or preferences. And the fact of maintaining a love relationship does not change this characteristic. However, couples who are unable to accept rejection or rejection – without resentment – from the other are unlikely to stand the test of time. They are relationships where the expiration date can be risked.
What do you say (to yourself) when you give or receive a rejection after a discussion with your partner
Responding to a request to share entertainment, to go to a concert, to do a favor, to go shopping, or even to offer a particular cooperation, implies, on the part of the recipient, the following approach: “If I go against my will and against my desires by accepting the things that I wouldn’t be happy doing it, I’d end up getting angry with myself and my partner and screaming about the relationship as a whole.Agreeing on everything or almost everything the other one raises is a risk that can end the harmonious coexistence of both.
Therefore, learning how to give and accept a negative request is a formula that can generate rationality and emotional energy in a relationship. It not only allows to get around the agreements that were forced in their day due to the unconsciousness of falling in love. The benefits of learning to give and receive the rejection, without either of you reacting defensively, can greatly help you develop honest and emotionally valid communication. Thus, according to Rational Emotional Behavioral Therapy, the advantages that a married couple can get are diverse:
– Transmits the vote of confidence to those who denyon the part of his partner: Failure to accept the proposal implies that the recipient of the refusal believes that the other is sure enough that his refusal will not bother him and that what he rejects is the request and not the person making it.
– A . groups More open and honest communicationCommunicating your consent or disagreement directly with a request from your partner helps break down communication barriers. It allows you to express your will confidently and without false pretenses.
– help to Maintaining harmony in the couple: A breath of fresh air enters a relationship when the fears and precautions that come with faulty agreement (“agreeing to something you don’t like doing”) or subtle nuisance compliance (“reluctantly accepting the request, though concealed”). This prevents resentment from settling in the spouses.
– construction The foundations of non-defensive communication: Understand and accept both the right to refuse any request, there is no feeling of guilt or any need to give many explanations neither on the part of the person who formulates the request, nor on the part of the person who refuses it. It leaves the couple in a relaxed, harmonious and carefree mood about it.
– Get rid of the anxiety that causes rejection: Spouses are subject to the principle of consent (“I should always have the consent of the people I care about”), do not generally live satisfactorily, and their obsession with always seeking consent is a smooth sword that can sabotage your relationship at any time.
– It makes the time that spouses devote to each other more efficientBecause precious time is wasted during the giving and receiving process. On the one hand, giving reasons to justify the request, and on the other hand, presenting arguments that should be pardoned for the refusal. Learning to give and receive a refusal buys time for other fun.
– Eliminate guilt And Other Doubts: Confidence in your ability to give assertively, but gently, refusing any request that conflicts with your desires helps reduce negative thoughts about yourself and your partner (Did my refusal hurt him? Will he retaliate? Exhibit?)
– Nourish emotional well-being For a couple: learning not to deal with each other’s rejection personally offers several advantages: you discover how to free yourself from past fears and insecurities by also gaining the ability to reject requests that others might make of you; It eliminates the worry of thinking that if you give the refusal you are subject to the judgment of a third party to whom you have to explain yourself defensively. Learning to give and receive rejection, according to psychotherapist Bill Borcherdt, a devoted practitioner of rational emotive therapy, is an important contribution to our mental health.
Practical formulas for believing they are healthy
Irrational thoughts to eliminate them
– “If I refuse my partner’s requests, they might think I don’t like them and that would be repugnant.”
– “I must heed my partner’s request, because if I say no, I will feel guilty for not fulfilling my part of the bargain.”
– “Because my partner, precisely, always says yes to my requests, I must always accept him.”
– “If I almost always agree to do what my partner asks of me, she should always accept what I ask of her.”
– “Every time my partner refuses my request, it must be a long time before I satisfy her again.”
Rational ideas to combine
– “It is important for both of us to learn that love and commitment are not the same thing. The fact that one of us cannot understand this at a given moment does not mean the end of the world.”
– “I must consider my partner’s request fairly, but when my response is not appropriate, I must not feel like a bad person.”
“Although my partner is very consistent in responding favorably to my desires, there is no golden rule that I must conform to others as much as they do me.
The reverse golden rule must conform to me to the same degree that I satisfy others does not exist either. Trying to reinforce this myth can bring me and my relationship a lot of anxiety.”
– “It is better that I maturely accept my partner’s right to refuse my request before childish protest.”
In short, learning to give and take the rejection makes you feel strong enough not to feel guilty about your rejection, and your partner feels safe enough not to take it personally. And if you both decide wisely not to argue with each other about requests and responses, you’re building a resilient relationship. With more tolerance and acceptance not In any desire, confidence in oneself, in the spouses and in the relationship itself is enhanced. Let’s remember that lack of confidence is a sign of weakness.