Dr. West replies: Oral sex is often viewed as a side part of sexual activity before the ‘main event’ of penetration, with unsatisfactory results. No wonder so many women aren’t fans. We also have celebrities boasting about not giving their wives oral sex because they are too ‘masculine’, which provokes much empathy for these women. When done right, it can be a satisfying party of intimacy and can produce emotional and physical pleasure for all parties involved. It’s not necessarily the case that all your exes were ‘bad in bed’, as perhaps they were learning too. People aren’t born with sexual skills; they are developed with experience, consent, communication, and respect for our partners. This is a process for everyone who engages in sex, and the vast array of sexual activities can be exciting or terrifying. Every person we hook up with is like a blank page that we begin to figure out by talking to each other and taking the time to get to know each other on a deeper level.
As with anything to do with sex, if it’s not your thing, it’s not your thing, and you don’t have to do it. If he keeps asking and doesn’t hear or respect your ‘no’, that is a major red flag, as the pace should be mutually satisfying for all. Ask him what he wants to do, why he wants to do it, and how open he is to feedback if you don’t like it. He should work with you to make you comfortable — this is different to putting overt or covert pressure on you to do what he wants to do.
There are plenty of ways to figure out if this is something that you would like to explore with your partner. Start with examining why you feel hesitant about this. Is it because of the activity itself, concerns about your partner, your body, or being receptive to experiencing authentic sex? It can be quite a vulnerable position to be in. You are letting a stranger get very close to your genitalia, and that stranger’s mouth has teeth. Our primal brain tells us that this could be a dangerous situation, and our modern brain worries about how we look or taste, and what the noises we make sound like. That can make it hard to relax in the moment.
Part of the reason why many women may feel reluctant to try oral sex is concern over how they look, smell, or taste. Stronger smells and different tastes can come from common upsets such as thrush or bacterial vaginosis — both easily treatable over the counter and a normal temporary annoyance for many people with a vulva. Body parts are not meant to smell like a bubble bath, and any mature partner will realize that. Some people buy what are often referred to as ‘feminine hygiene products’, which include special washes or douches. However, these can be counterproductive and may upset your delicate vaginal pH balance. The vagina is a self-cleaning machine and is best left alone to work its magic.
A lot of women may have found themselves turned off by oral sex as all they have previously experienced is a poor technique. It’s rarely shown in porn, and when it is, it’s more of a short display for the camera rather than a genuine desire to give another person pleasure. Of course, this is because porn isn’t real, and isn’t meant to be sex education. We have to take responsibility for educating ourselves, and this can be a mutual process of learning together through books, podcasts, or workshops. What works for one person may not work for another, so the best thing your partner can do with their mouth is to talk to you and ask you about what works for you, and what increases both your comfort levels and your pleasure levels.
Different pressures will work best for different people too, as some may find direct stimulation too intense or too sensitive, especially at the start. Adding in toys or fingers can ramp up the intensity. Some people find that they can’t hold certain positions for long, or they feel too exposed or uncomfortable, so trying out new positions and locations can be the trick for finding what works for you.
As it is often rushed in favor of other activities, it can be a good idea to take everything else off the table, allowing ourselves to focus on this one activity. This will help us to stop worrying about spending ‘too long’ on it to enjoy it. This pressure to move on can stop us from really letting go and leaning into authentic pleasure, rather than a sense of working through a tick box of what sex should look like. It’s your pleasure — there’s no time limit or order of what should happen, and you can talk to each other to mix it up, or keep it going, and going, and going.
Dr West is a sex educator and host of the Glow West podcast, which focuses on sex. Send your questions to drwestanswersyourquestions@independent.ie. Dr West regrets she cannot answer questions privately
Video of the Day
